I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
