My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
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Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
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thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
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