her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
