He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
