Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I told her the only thing I had going for me was my huge cock. She said she was willing to overlook my other shortcomings.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
How do I sound like a lady while communicating the fact that I want his dick in my mouth?
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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