Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
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