Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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