i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
