I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
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