In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize
