Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
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