I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
This can only be settled by a dance off.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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