Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
