my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Only a mothe r could love this liver
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
