can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
