I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
