when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
