Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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