You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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