I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I don't remember... but puking on the bar sounds like me.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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