I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
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