just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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