Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Randomize
