Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
