bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
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