shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
