T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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