so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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