Sry I called you an 8
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
Randomize
