i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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