The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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