apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
Randomize
