I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
