Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
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