I accidentally had phone sex last night
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
wtf?
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Randomize
