i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Randomize
