another moral hangover. fuck.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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