Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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