I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Randomize
