i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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