nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
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I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
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How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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