haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
We have started to decorate penises.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
Randomize
