I'm so fucking centered right now
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
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