I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
