Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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