Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
This is classic penis vs brain.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
