i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Randomize
