There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Randomize
