Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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