Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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