From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
