I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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