You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
I did not marry a roomba.
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