Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Randomize
