he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I just sneezed and margarita mix and ash came out of my nose. I love jersey
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Randomize
