I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
Dignity is for republicans.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
