i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Randomize
