I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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